I don’t know what got into me.
Suddenly I just felt that there should be no more emotion from me, or within me.
It will not do to feel – I thought to myself, without even listening.
I had no real control over that thought, but yet, here I was, basking in the numbness of having made it once and for all.
I don’t want to taint my feelings and their explanations with the blackness of the past. I don’t want that – but the past, and the very recent one at that, is very, very deeply so.
I was lost. Unwilling to communicate to anyone, anything, any way.
Nothing swayed me – not even my love for writing, not even my love for those around me.
Stoic. Done. Sepulchered within a blackness I could not even see through. I no longer perceived myself. It was too much and so it became – nothing. A magnetic field that flips when overcharged it seems.
It seemed rather odd then, that someone as distant as you, and yet to my very ignorant eyes so very close, could weasel me out of my tomb. How?
The odd thought bounced in my head like a baby leopard chasing a butterfly through the tall grass; fumbling, chasing, unaware of why its instinct made it do so.
When I realized what you were doing, how your sureness of what we could be made my inner compass point towards you, I dropped all anchors, fired all guns, cannons, and was prepared to go down with my ship to the frigid watery grave I had so well promised myself.
I escaped, narrowly. I had stepped into the blackness as you called out to me from the other side and felt disgust, bone breaking doubts, blood chilling fear and soul shredding guilt and therefore resolved I did not love you nor was I inclined to. I had to go.
But then the blackness remained. I felt all those feelings and what’s worse, they became heavier without you. You who lead me to smack right into them had also somehow lessened the blows they took upon me.
When we spoke again, the pain lessened.
I might be dead inside but my stubbornness will never die.
I set sail, against everyone’s doubts and my own, against the pain, the repulsion of wanting to try again, the guilt, the endless problems and fears and overwhelming confusion with only one thought in mind – If I shall die in a frigid watery grave and feel nothing, you, who somehow cut through this blackness, who seem so certain that there is light where you stand and I can indeed make it through and bask underneath it with you – you who is honorable, kind and true.
You should be the reason for my last attempt to set sail, make it through, and find love, light and all the emotions I’ve sunk deep, deep below me forevermore.
Because the thought of not being with you – it made the darkness impossible to defeat…and even I could admit that.
I want you. I’ll meet you there. On the other side of this blackness.