We were playing ping pong, like we’ve always been doing these nights on this godforsaken cruise. I hate it here. I can’t feel at home when we’re constantly sailing, moving or asking me to move mountains for something I can’t even fathom caring about. Simplicity has me hissing like a cat fighting for its turf.
I miss you. Last night we found ourselves wrapped in each other, borderline lip locked and your hands, strong, hard, calloused, all over my curves, wanting, pushing, gripping. Why have I fallen in love with you? Someone I cannot have, someone I am putting in a horrible situation with a woman who does not deserve this. I do not want to be the other woman. I do not want to share you. And yet, I cannot ask you to leave her. I wouldn’t want that for anyone.
I miss your touch, the way you whispered to me, made my heart thrum in my throat, my blood boil in frustration as you bit me harder and harder, shoulder, neck, back, hips; I want your touch always, even when you held my hand when I was seasick. I love you. I tried not to. I even told myself it was only physical attraction, that everyone falls in love here, that everything is simply not true. But tonight when it was over I felt horrible. Every time that ping pong ball left me I felt it pull away my stomach through my chest. It hurts not to touch you, not to let you touch me. I couldn’t handle it. I missed you even when you were right in front of me.
I love you. Now I want to say it. I want to scream it out and tell everything and everyone how much I don’t care. How we should be together. I can make this work. I can be yours and you mine, age difference, wives, ethics and moral matters; I don’t care. I don’t care because I want you more than all of those things.
…But I didn’t dare say it. I didn’t dare move. Tears, big and full bubbled up inside of me and escaped my eyes as they dropped down to my ripped jeans. You watched me, sometimes you even tried to change the subject. I hated it. There was nothing I could do. You have a family and that is something I must respect. I must respect it. I must and I do, because I love you.
I love you darling. I love you. God damn it I love you.
There. I said it.