This new year was once again spent without family, without my closest friends, dealing with situations I keep wishing not to experience each countdown, and yet; there I was.
In the dark, counting down, in the middle of the Caribbean, surrounded mostly by people I did not know and with a wish to have a life other than my own sometimes. Something simple and yet equally, but really more, fulfilling.
I find myself not loving any man still. It’s been three years and I cannot get myself to. I don’t worry. It’s really not a self-pity venture into the world of “forever alone”. It’s just astounding to me that I have not.
How can I? The one who falls in love too readily, who lunges for the promise of equal partnership and cuddling in the time it takes for an atom to split and for me to concoct what life with that person would be like forevermore.
I feel like I lost my touch. Could I be what we call in society “jaded”? Possible, there is a heavy dose of that definitely. But it is not all bleak from here. I do believe it could happen although I’m not actively searching to find out. It annoys me to no end that the very few people who I do think about as possibilities are taken, taken and inaccessible as of now…so, that’s that.
I certainly could stand to work more, get lost in projects, find my way through tedious amounts of work and pour myself into my writing and get things done, published and shot. Yes, that is the main overall plan, the act two of my life…but the soundtrack; yes the soundtrack is missing right now and I have no real will to play, to find a maestro who can direct it, to find someone who can give deeper meaning, deeper emotion to what I do, what I can do and what I have.
I can imagine the music, I can remember playing it, the tune, the feeling, the depth and stirring inside me it gave…but in actuality; I can’t hear it.