I have to write but need to go to work…I’ll try tonight
….Yeah, It’s Sunday now…notice how hard I tried to come in here and write. Ugh, sometimes I wish I could have a tiny video camera installed somewhere filming my whole day and recording what I am thinking so we can all play it back and laugh to keep from crying.
Random things on my mind right now:
1. So tired.
2. Really need to brush my teeth since the taste in my mouth from randomly smoking 6 cigarettes yesterday is disgusting (I quit “accidentally” last year btw…yes “accidentally”).
3. Doing my laundry right now.
5. Oh yeah yesterday one of my younger cousin (cousins are more like brother and sisters to me since we all grew up in the same house etc) showed me tattoo number 4…I think we’re up to 4…it’s big…scared me I thought she was kidding around…nope. It’s pretty and tasteful somehow but I wouldn’t have thought something like that on anyone of my family…final thoughts…I am getting close-mindely old.
6. Debating whether or not to have cereal right now.
That would be all. So what urged me to write what I wrote on Wednesday? Well; they didn’t nickname me the Infinite Improbability Drive because everything happens slowly and according to a logical plan….no. I hit another hyper galactic roadway into panic.
Briefly, I was supposed to move back to NYC by logically taking a week off of here and going for some job scouting, checking out new rent scenes etc This was supposed to happen around May probably if not mid-April….except, then a business opportunity separate from my current job but that I would be doing concordantly with it (like a second job basically) that would tie me here for another 6 months came up…
So I had to decide…and I couldn’t. Truthfully I wanted to drop everything and everyone and run away. I hated having to choose but, not being rich I can’t just not do anything for 1 month or move to NYC yet not work there while still paying for my spot there so Mr.MD is happy.
Which leads me to the talk I had with him…I hate this talk. I have also had this talk with at least 3 other men which truthfully were boys hence why the conversation did not go well nor did our relationship pan out…of course.
The subject of the talk truthfully, stripping all the emotion, criticism, anger, fear, tears et al was about money. It was about who could take care of who and whose job it really was to do this and how right now given our circumstances we’re stuck not being able to do anything. This was the truth; the discussion skirted around it a little, jumped over it and tried to explain itself by insulting each other and me having to shut it all off…with an ultimatum.
Is this a woman thing? I don’t hear a lot of guys saying “and I told her this was it, she either made me a sandwich without the crust or we would have to end this.” lol jk…I know you like the crusts.
But seriously, I didn’t know what to do anymore. I can’t always wait for someone else, and most importantly I can’t always wait for my “other half” to get the same idea that we can’t live like this forever no matter how comfortable he is right now. In my mind the perfect man feels a responsibility to his woman and to his future or already existing family. The way I, a woman, and truthfully simply another human, feel responsible towards their survival. That’s why I knew I had to make a really tough choice. Do I lengthen my leave from NYC to do this because I know that what Mr.MD wishes is that I was there everyday. That would be my current end of the bargain, but for what? That’s what I was asking. I learned as soon as I got my first job that you sadly cannot live on love. Love can’t really pay the bills unless you’re getting paid to love…which is another line of work and I don’t really think I could qualify for such a position..s.
I really felt bad even asking him…he’s not a lazy piece of s&%*# or anything but it’s already not easy to begin supporting each other and gear up for a family so then times that at least by 100 and you begin feeling the overwhelm that is NYC living. Why don’t we both relocate to nowhere cheap living ville? …well, I am born and raised in Italy, he was born and raised in NYC-Manhattan…we’re fucking jaded and spoiled I don’t know. It’s true that I’d rather live in a box in NYC, be it the cleanest box though, then in nowhereville in a villa. Okay that was 50% accurate. But still I cannot ask him to leave and I also enjoy NYC…FL and I do not get along.
So; it ended nicely after 2 days. We decided currently he cannot change what he’s doing, which I agreed with and knew in the first place as he’s under contract plus he actually enjoys what he does, and then I would take the opportunity given here and stay another 6 months. I have my qualms simply because I think I’m at the end or my rope with my current job and I think my boss also sees it and is not enjoying it…So if I end up being fired or feel so backed into a corner of miserableness that I feel I need to quit I am fucked. This is also really the point. I wanted to leave this place, this job. I kept telling myself; if I don’t get paid enough, I am not happy, I am miserable here why can’t I do it at least somewhere closer to my love and friends. Just go back home and do the same thing…that’s what made sense until this fucking new thing opened up. At least it’s not permanent…I hope.
Bleh I’m still upset just thinking about work. Gross. I hate hate hate it and yet I should be thankful for a job right? Yet it’s not like someone just gave it to me…and here’s the black-hole that is my mind, sucks everything in…and keeps it there somewhere.
Now I’m going to finish up my laundry and try not to think tomorrow is Monday…
So are ultimatums simply a way to raise the standards and urgency of an otherwise failing mission or relationship or…are they weapons of mass destruction? Should we just let things run their course or should we take the wheel and avoid the upcoming or hopefully not imaginary cliff?
When are ultimatums the ultimate no-no?