I am currently sitting at home feverish, head feeling like it’s going to explode, throat so swollen it feel like one swallow will tear it apart and a nose that is now just a lump of bleh I can barely breath through my mouth to save me. Granted it only took me the fever coming on in the middle of the night and my period coming through with a vengeance to stop me from going to work. I’ve been submitting coworkers and clients through my “no I’m fine” death sniffles for 3 days…but this was a bit too much. I literally feel like I’m breaking.
It’s times when you are sick as a dog that you realize you live alone and have no one with you. My mother is out of the country, my extended family I do not really bother unless I am going to the ER soon or something like that..friends are pretty much out of the picture at this point so…boyfriend.
That would be helpful if he lived here. What would be more helpful is if I still had a boyfriend. Alas, that unappreciation bug got the best of me. We fought pretty horribly until finally I snapped. When I say snap I mean this thing where I just switch off and my brain begins to go through the well drilled evacuation routine. Bypass heart, emotions, opinions and voice box and take over completely to smoothly, decidedly and unwaveringly eject self out of war zone/painful loss situation. So that is what happened.
Once again I lead myself into a relationship bound to not fulfill me and therefore cause grief when I came to my senses. I do blame myself. Not entirely but I’d say 80% me. I was the driver. I could have said no – I could have never gotten into it and saved what could have been a nice friendship. Nope, I couldn’t keep it in my pants and I couldn’t stop myself from thinking that this time; this particular man would be the one to figure it out. To pounce on this excellent opportunity to be the one to nail me down and make me incandescently happy…
I can’t even make myself incandescently happy right now. Anyways; it happens…regularly every 1 to 2 years for me. Do I have too much faith in this possibility of someone getting it right or am I just a slut for relationships? Seriously…maybe I should act like some of the other girls in my family and stay single because no one seems to meet the standards…problem is; who the fuck meets those standards seriously? There’s a chance here that I will be alone; indefinitely haha now it doesn’t seem that bad but when you live a single independent life with nothing but work it is not easy to keep that mindset. That is why I need to just find something else to do that fulfills me…something else and most likely somewhere else to be me, happily.
I’ve been playing this music to my ears for ages…and yet – still here…..
I am hoping this will change. That somehow I will kick my own ass so far high up this mountain that I will get to the top and realize I was meant to be there all along.
…and that I alone was keeping myself down getting lost picking flowers while the mountain path waited.
Lucky for me – I haven’t lost my love of hiking.