Soundtrack: “You’re so very far away” – Clem Leek
I’ve been on a roller coaster. Up through the most incredible clouds and rising in front of the most beautiful and brightest sun on a limitless horizon; just to free fall down, fearing life itself towards dark black coal and mines of despair. There are twists and turns on the way down, some nice, some almost ignorant of what’s below or above me, some teetering on the edge of cliffs and some bordering fields of my most precious dreams, taking me on a tour of my deepest wishes.
Life is improbable and sometimes scary. I’ve been feeling so angry and hopeless. Why is it that things happened this way? Why am I always here? Why does this happen? Why? Why? Why?
We can’t all just be plainly living life. I can’t sit in my office every day and wait for the day to end. I am wishing my life away. I am playing always the same certain tune. I know how it starts, I know how it changes and I know how it ends. And all the meanwhile I wish it were different.
There is something to be said about loyalty, about responsibility and duties. I wear my “badges” proudly. I know I can be counted on. I know I can help and be available. I can help everyone around me succeed. I love that. I love it but I want it for myself as well.
The pendulum is swinging, the clocks are ticking and my hand is itching again to slam on this improbability drive…and soon I’ll have to pick where I want to be next. Will I live back in California? maybe New York? Maybe throw it all to hell and go to Paris and get to know my other family. Maybe run away to somewhere to the edge of the earth, maybe not. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Moving forward and changing is scary sometimes. Most of the times for me lately. I think I engaged so much into such an improbable life that I scared myself completely still. If 16 year old me would see me now she would be awed but very confused. She would reject this future but understand why I did it. I worked so hard not to be so impetuous, so improbable, to fit in, to “not be a problem” for my family, that I encased myself in a life I really was never bred for. Some people are born to be lovers. Some people are born to be parents, or artists or teachers or dentists, doctors and even marine biologists.
I was born to be this. An improbable, highly unlikely and ever moving infinite “drive” for lack of a better word. To be anything and everything in whatever quadrant of whichever galaxy I happen to pop-up in. Worrying about who I am and what I am supposed to be isn’t so farfetched now is it?
I think I’m coming to terms with it. I, like every lover, parent, artist, teacher, dentist, doctor and marine biologist; am different. The masses mix us up and blur the lines to make us all look the same. One big conglomeration of negatives. But the positives, the uniqueness of every being in this life and universe is, and always will be, different and truly good.
It takes courage to be yourself. To stand up and walk your own way. Make your own path, untraveled by anyone else prior. To not falter when even your closest loved ones deem you wrong, crazy or simply ignore you. But I’ve always said and truly believe that it takes real responsibility to admit and be yourself. No matter who follows and loves you because of it, no matter who you lose as you start down your own road. That courage is not lack of fear but the ability to go through something no matter how scared you are because you know it’s for the greater good.
The trick is really, truly finding out that being yourself is something towards the greater good, and that you just have to take that first step, and make sure, that the next foot follows.